BOO! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh

Call me crazy *pauses for everyone to collectively do so*, but last last night i was able to startle Evan. Tania was skeptical, but i wasn't. He was being fed by Tania in her arms, and every time he closed his eyes i proceeded to make some various semi-loud noises. He opened his eyes and looked around as i made them. I did this several times to remove any variables and doubts, and it still happened. Then i made an even louder noise and he was genuinely startled. His cute little eyes shook in that startled way, his eye lids opened and he looked around. I felt bad doing it because i could see that i frightened him, and the last thing i want to do is scare my little boy. But it was all in the name of science!

I'm convinced that he heard the noises, i don't know to what degree, but i know he heard them. I have this new fear that's been creeping up on me the past few days, it kinda follows me around and maybe two to three times a day it taps me on the shoulder to remind me that it's there. The new fear is that his hearing isn't as bad as Susan and the testing says it is, and the hearing aids will actually hurt his fragile ears because they'll be set to high. Who the hell am i going to bring that up to? Susan will think i'm nut and dismiss it, and doctor i'm sure won't listen to me. Maybe i am nuts, maybe i just want that to me the case. But you know what, i don't think i'm nuts. I think the test was partially wrong, maybe not fully wrong, nut at least partially wrong. Let's call it half wrong!

I think i'll just wait till "H" day on Friday, the "H" stands for hearing. We'll see his reaction to his new tools and we'll go from there. My little boy will be bionic. Well, not as bionic as CI's would be. I was bionic for a few days once when i had a small piece of metal in my arm, but that hardly counts.

Just wanted to add this last detail in, last night i was vacuuming, and Evan was nearby. I think the sound of the vacuuming was bothering him. I know that nobody is going to believe that, since nobody was there to see it. Tania was doing laundry i think, and Mya is just a dog so she can't vouch for me. Oh well, my mind sees and hears what it wants to.

Ticking along

I won a bunch of auctions on ebay a few weeks ago for several baby Einstein DVD's and CD's. As far as i'm concerned the visual stimulization from the DVD's will be great, and he'll get to hear the music soon. Is that a fantasy that i have? Who really knows. I'm only mentioning the auctions because everything arrived yesterday, all on the same day. Sort of a knife to the side kind of delivery. Some higher power made them all come on the same day just to stick it in my face that "hey, you're adorable baby boy can't hear what's on these".

He'll hear them, i know he will. Just give him time. I am very positive about this, what else is there to do?!?! I'm not going to sit here and think the absolute worst possible scenarios, or maybe i am, who knows.

Tania mentioned to me last night that she thinks we should teach him sign language, along with good ol' english. Well sure, why not, i've always wanted to learn sign language. If it will benefit him, then it's a good thing. Her concern was what if he losses his hearing aids, or the batteries die, or they're in for repair, etc... I want him to be able to communicate, i want him to be able to express himself. Like i've previously said, that's my worry. The first sign i want to learn is "I love you". I say it to him so much as it is, i might as well sign it to him.

Friday is approaching, too darn slow if you ask me. I want it here now, right now. I'm not sure what i'm excepting to happen, i guess i think they'll stick them in his ears and POOF he's cured. Its a miracle, call the papers everyone the boy can hear again. I like my little fantasy world, it's fun to be here. I don't need to focus on the hard reality of it, the countless hours, days, weeks, months, years that will be spent teaching Evan how to hear, how to speak, how to learn. Oh know, i've let the reality out. Let me just stuff that back in.

Hope sounds like fun

We met with Susan the audiologist again today, calmed minds prevailed. We were able to ask lots of questions this time, since our minds didn't allow us to on our first visit. I took notes as we both listened and asked whatever came to mind. We also had a chance to meet with the ENT doctor to very briefly discuss a few things with him. We ended up talking to the CI (Cochlear Implants) audiologist who said that when the time is right Evan could be assessed for CI surgery.

Was that supposed to make us happy? Maybe. Sad, but happy at the same time. Does that make sense? I think it does. It's weird, all this is happening to a person who has no idea it's happening at all. We thankfully get to go through the stress for him, because i don't want him to have to suffer with it. That's one of my biggest fears, Evan having to suffer. Unfortunately he will have to deal with it at some point, but in the meantime please allow me to put it on my plate.

After meeting with the 2 audiologists and the ENT doc we went over to get Evan's first of many sets of ear molds taken. This is how it works, the hearing aids last 3-5 years, or something in that range, but the molds for them have to be changed as he grows. Think of them as a plug, they have to plug his ear completely. As he grows, they stop plugging. These wonderful plugs cost in the area of $150 for the set of 2. Set #1 will be ready on Friday Feb 1st, with his trial hearing aids. They're letting us use the hearing aids on a trial basis to see how they work for him. If they do the trick then we'll buy a set, if not then we move on to stage 2, the CI stage. Did i mention the batteries yet? They need to be changed weekly, give or take a few days i think. I guess it all depends on everything. I know that didn't make any sense.

It's an entire new responsibility for Tania and myself. His hearing aids will be part of his daily routine. In the ears in the morning, out before bed and baths. I'm sure Evan and i will be making a song about that in a few years. I have this habit of singing as i do things, or singing as i do steps. Kinda makes life more fun. "In the ears in the morning, out before bed and baths... lalalala".

The day the music died

The news hit us both very hard today, though Tania was better prepared then i was. Our beautiful baby boy Evan has sever hearing loss in both ears. A parent never, ever wants to hear those words. The tests were done, the numbers don't lie, though i wish they did. :(




Severe hearing loss sounds bad, especially when they use the word "severe". That word now haunts me, it's such a strong word...

SEVERE SEVERE SEVERE

That's pretty much the way i heard it. I thought that only thunderstorms and blood loss were described that way, and I'm sure a host of other things too. Oh well, the reality is here, hasn't exactly set in yet, but it's here. I sort of feel it sitting on my shoulder, just watching what i type, every now and then it creeps into my mind and makes it real. It's real all right, real hard to grasp, real hard to understand, real hard to believe, and real hard to ignore. That's how real it is.

We went home with our news, sad, but never defeated.